Bad (5e Class)
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Bad[edit]
This is not an April Fools' class. This is a serious class. Honest. I will immediately remove any attempt to make this an April Fools class. Immediately.
This class has no reason for being. It's really just a bad class that breaks all the rules about what makes a good class. It is simultaneously over powered and under powered. And just contains a collection of irreconcilable bad ideas. Nothing synergizes, and the introduction contains no fluff.
Bad Leader[edit]
Your bad character also makes a bad leader.
Creating a Bad Character[edit]
I question why anyone would want to run this class. Why do you want to run this class?. You must be chaotic. What kind of chaotic are you (the player not the PC)? You must run this PC with your own chaotic personality. No RP here. Just run this as yourself. Except when you switch to the princess subclass. Unless you are a princess.
- Quick Build
You can make a Bad Character quickly by following these suggestions. First, charisma should be your highest ability score, followed by wisdom. Second, choose the Noble Dragon Tamer background. Third, choose the Whaler's Kit.
Class Features
As a Bad Character you gain the following class features.
- Hit Points
Hit Dice: 1d3 per Bad Character level
Hit Points at 1st Level: 3 + Constitution modifier
Hit Points at Higher Levels: 1d3 (or 2) + Constitution modifier per Bad Character level after 1st
- Proficiencies
Armor: any armor
Weapons: any weapons
Tools: any tools
Saving Throws:
Skills: Bad Characters have no skills and can never have skills. They do however start with an extra feat, even if the DM does not use feats.
- Equipment
You start with the following equipment, in addition to the equipment granted by your background:
- (a) snow shoes or (b) unicycle or (c) the one ring
- (a) 10x10x10 foot cube of styrofoam or (b) 30 foot pole or (c) 50 gallons of whiskey
- (a) aircraft carrier or (b) small moon or (c) tree stump
- (a) egg beater or (b) bubble gum or (c) hand sauna
| Level | Proficiency Bonus |
Features | Temp HP | —Spell Slots per Spell Level— | ||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1st | 2nd | 3rd | 4th | 5th | 6th | 7th | 8th | 9th | ||||
| 1st | +2 | Juggernaut Armor, Temporary Hit Points and Spell Casting, Extra Feat | 1 | 2 | — | — | — | — | — | — | — | — |
| 2nd | +2 | Free Wish Spell, Multiple Attacks, Theme Song | 4 | 3 | — | — | — | — | — | — | — | — |
| 3rd | +2 | Subclasses - Pirate, Ninja, Cowboy, or Princess | 9 | 4 | 2 | — | — | — | — | — | — | — |
| 4th | +2 | Ability Score Improvement, Assassin | 16 | 4 | 3 | — | — | — | — | — | — | — |
| 5th | +3 | You Get Nothing | 16 | 4 | 3 | 2 | — | — | — | — | — | — |
| 6th | +3 | Gladiator | 36 | 4 | 3 | 3 | — | — | — | — | — | — |
| 7th | +3 | Berserker | 49 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 1 | — | — | — | — | — |
| 8th | +3 | Ability Score Improvement, Pirate | 64 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 2 | — | — | — | — | — |
| 9th | +4 | Cavalier | 81 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 1 | — | — | — | — |
| 10th | +4 | Blindness | 100 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | — | — | — | — |
| 11th | +4 | Hitman | 121 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 1 | — | — | — |
| 12th | +4 | Ability Score Improvement, Ninja | 144 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 1 | — | — | — |
| 13th | +5 | Elf | 169 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 1 | — | — |
| 14th | +5 | Nobility | 196 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 1 | — | — |
| 15th | +5 | Deaf, Mute, and Illiterate | 225 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | — |
| 16th | +5 | Ability Score Improvement, Cowboy | 256 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | — |
| 17th | +6 | Femme Fatale | 289 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 |
| 18th | +6 | Samurai | 324 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 |
| 19th | +6 | Ability Score Improvement, Princess, More Multiple Attacks | 361 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 |
| 20th | +6 | Superhero | 400 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 1 |
Temporary Hit Points and Spell Casting[edit]
- Long Rest
- At the end of a long rest, you lose all of your temporary hit points, and regain all of your spell slots.
- Short Rest
- At the end of each short rest you lose all of your spell slots, and you regain all of your temporary hit points.
- Alphabet Spell Casting
- Spell List At the beginning of each level, you pick a letter of the alphabet. You can cast any spell on any list of spells that begins with that letter during that level.
- Required Casting Focus At the beginning of each level you must pick a new casting focus. It must begin with the same letter as the spells you cast for that level. If you lose the focus, or no longer have access to it, you can not cast any spells for the rest of the level.
- Never Reuse a Letter You may never reuse a letter you have used at a previous level. So you might want to wait till level 17 before using the 'W', so you can get a wish spell.
- Hit Point Casting Cost When you cast a spell you lose hit points equal to the spell's spell slot level.
- If this effect takes you below zero hit points, you die immediately and can never be resurrected. And you can never roll out another character with this class, ever.
- Hibernation at Zero Life
- If you fall to zero hit points, you don't make any death saves. You hibernate for 47 minutes. When hibernating, you can not be awakened. This counts as a long rest.
Extra Feat[edit]
Even if your DM does not use feats, you gain an extra feat at first level. This feature overrides the DM, so just point to this feature if the DM objects.
Free Wish Spell[edit]
Starting at level 2, whenever you advance in level you gain a free wish (except when advancing to level 5), as per the 9th level wish spell. Any wish you made at a previous level comes to an end, and you get a new wish. So for example, if last level you wished for someone to be alive that had died, they die again.
Multiple Attacks[edit]
Starting at second level, you get an attack on an opponent for every pair of eyes it has that can see you. When you are attacking a predator of humanoid, their eyes are set so they can both see you at the same time. So you get one attack. But herbivores generally have their eyes set so only one can see you at any one time, so you actually have disadvantage on your attacks on a herbivore. If you are fighting creatures with more than two eyes, you get extra attacks for each additional pair that can see you beyond the first two. If an odd number of eyes can see you, then the last attack you make is at disadvantage. So if you are attacking an ettin, and it closes one of its eyes, you get two attacks because it has four eyes, but one of them is closed.
Theme Song[edit]
When you go up to second level, you the player have to sing Bad Company by Bad Company and the other player have to make noises for all the guitar parts a cappella. This is your theme song, and you can sing it during any battle. You can sing the entire song, even if the battle is only 3 rounds (15 seconds).
Original Lyrics (Other Players sing) --------------- Company, always on the run (weoouu) Destiny is the rising sun Oh, I was born 6-gun in my hand Behind the gun I'll make my final stand That's why they call me (do do dooooooooo) Bad company (dooooooooo) And I can't deny (dooooooooo da doooo do do) Bad company (dooooooooo) 'Til the day I die (do do dooooooooo) Oh, 'til the day I die (dooo dooo dooo) 'Til the day I die Rebel souls, deserters we are called Chose a gun and threw away the Son Now these towns, they all know our name 6-gun sound (weooooouuuuuu weoouu) is our claim to fame I can hear them say (do do dooooooooo) Bad company And I won't deny Bad, bad company 'Til the day I die, oh, yea (do do dooooooooo) 'Til the day I die, (do do dooooooooo) Hey Bad company I can't deny Bad company 'Til the day I die And I say it's bad company, oh yeah yeah Bad company 'Til the day I die Tell me that you are not a thief Oh but I am bad company It's the way I play dirty for dirty Oh, somebody double-crossed me Double-cross, double-cross
Subclass Feature[edit]
At 3rd level, you chose a subclass template. Choose between princess, ninja, pirate, or cowboy detailed at the end of the class description. Your choice grants you a feature at this level and again at whatever level you can chose that template again. Other templates also exist at some other levels besides ninja, pirate, and cowboy. Each template can be chosen at the level indicated.
- You Keep One Previous Subclass
- When you get a new subclass, you lose the features of all the previous subclasses you have chosen except one, so starting at 4th level, you always have two subclasses.
Ability Score Improvement[edit]
When you reach 4th level, and again at 8th, 12th, 16th and 19th level, you can increase one ability score of your choice by 2, or you can increase two ability scores of your choice by 1. As normal, you can't increase an ability score above 20 using this feature.
Assassin[edit]
At level 4 you not only get an ASI but you get to be an assassin.
When you reach 4th level you the player have to sing Bad Guy by Billie Eilish.
White shirt now red, my bloody nose Sleeping, you're on your tippy toes Creeping around like no one knows Think you're so criminal Bruises on both my knees for you Don't say thank you or please, I do What I want when I'm wanting to My soul? So cynical So you're a tough guy Like-it-really-rough guy Just-can't-get-enough guy Chest-always-so-puffed guy I'm that bad type Make-your-mama-sad type Make-your-girlfriend-mad type Might-seduce-your-dad type I'm the bad guy, duh I'm the bad guy I like it when you take control Even if you know that you don't Own me, I'll let you play the role I'll be your animal My mommy likes to sing along With me but she won't sing this song If she reads all the lyrics She'll pity the men I know So you're a tough guy Like-it-really-rough guy Just-can't-get-enough guy Chest-always-so-puffed guy I'm that bad type Make-your-mama-sad type Make-your-girlfriend-mad type Might-seduce-your-dad type I'm the bad guy, duh I'm the bad guy, duh I'm only good at being bad Bad I like when you get mad I guess I'm pretty glad That you're alone You said she's scared of me? I mean I don't see what she sees But maybe it's 'cause I'm wearing your cologne I'm a bad guy I'm, I'm a bad guy Bad guy, bad guy I'm a bad guy
You Get Nothing[edit]
At level 5 you get squat. Even though the spell chart says you gain 3rd level spells, you don't actually gain them until 6th level. You gain no new hit points. Not even temporary hit points You do not get a free wish at this level. You do not gain a subclass. You do not pass Go. You do not collect $200. While all the other PCs are getting much more powerful at this level, you get nothing.
You don't even get to sing a song.
Gladiator[edit]
At level 6, you become a gladiator. You get +1 to all attacks if you an audience of 10 people or more, +2 with an audience of 100 or more, +3 with an audience of 1000 or more. The audience may not be involved in the fight as antagonists or protagonists.
At level 6, you also resume gaining spell levels and temporary hit points that were delayed from 5th level.
When you rise to 6th level, you the player have to sing Bad by Michael Jackson. And the other players have to do the hand clapping parts.
Your butt is mine Gonna tell you right Just show your face In broad daylight I'm telling you On how I feel Gonna hurt your mind Don't shoot to kill Shamone, shamone Lay it on me All right I'm giving you On count of three To show your stuff Or let it be I'm telling you Just watch your mouth I know your game What you're about Well they say the sky's the limit And to me that's really true But my friend you have seen nothing Just wait 'til I get through Because I'm bad, I'm bad, shamone (Bad, bad, really, really bad) You know I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it (Bad, bad, really, really bad) You know I'm bad, I'm bad, shamone, you know (Bad, bad, really, really bad) And the whole world has to answer right now Just to tell you once again who's bad The word is out You're doin' wrong Gonna lock you up Before too long Your lyin' eyes Gonna tell you right So listen up Don't make a fight Your talk is cheap You're not a man You're throwin' stones To hide your hands But they say the sky's the limit And to me that's really true But my friend you have seen nothing Just wait 'til I get through Because I'm bad, I'm bad, shamone (Bad, bad, really, really bad) You know I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it (Bad, bad, really, really bad) You know I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it, you know (Bad, bad, really, really bad) And the whole world has to answer right now Just to tell you once again who's bad We can change the world tomorrow This could be a better place If you don't like what I'm sayin' Then won't you slap my face Because I'm bad, I'm bad, shamone (Bad, bad, really, really bad) You know I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it (Bad, bad, really, really bad) You know I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it, you know (Bad, bad, really, really bad) (And the whole world has to answer right now Just to tell you once again...) You know I'm bad, I'm bad, shamone (Bad, bad, really, really bad) You know I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it, you know it (Bad, bad, really, really bad) You know, you know, you know, come on (Bad, bad, really, really bad) And the whole world has to answer right now (And the whole world has to answer right now) Just to tell you (Just to tell you once again) You know I'm smooth, I'm bad, you know it (Bad, bad, really, really bad) You know I'm bad, I'm bad, baby (Bad, bad, really, really bad) You know, you know, you know it, come on (Bad, bad, really, really bad) And the whole world has to answer right now (And the whole world has to answer right now Just to tell you once again) You know I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it (Bad, bad, really, really bad) You know I'm bad, you know (Bad, bad, really, really bad) You know I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it, you know (Bad, bad, really, really bad) And the whole world has to answer right now (And the whole world has to answer right now) Just to tell you once again who's bad? (Just to tell you once again)
Berserker[edit]
Starting at level 7 you not only get a bunch of new spells but you get to be a berserker.
At this level you the player have to sing Bad to the Bone by George Thorogood.
On the day I was born The nurses all gathered 'round And they gazed in wide wonder At the joy they had found The head nurse spoke up Said "leave this one alone" She could tell right away That I was bad to the bone Bad to the bone Bad to the bone B-B-B-B-Bad B-B-B-B-Bad B-B-B-B-Bad Bad to the bone I broke a thousand hearts Before I met you I'll break a thousand more, baby Before I am through I wanna be yours pretty baby Yours and yours alone I'm here to tell ya honey That I'm bad to the bone Bad to the bone B-B-B-B-Bad B-B-B-B-Bad B-B-B-B-Bad Bad to the bone I make a rich woman beg I'll make a good woman steal I'll make an old woman blush And make a young girl squeal I wanna be yours pretty baby Yours and yours alone I'm here to tell ya honey That I'm bad to the bone B-B-B-B-Bad B-B-B-B-Bad B-B-B-B-Bad Bad to the bone And when I walk the streets Kings and Queens step aside Every woman I meet They all stay satisfied I wanna tell ya pretty baby Well Ya see I make my own I'm here to tell ya honey That I'm bad to the bone Bad to the bone B-B-B-B-Bad B-B-B-Bad B-B-B-Bad Bad to the bone
Cavalier[edit]
Starting at 9th level you not only get a bunch of new spells but you get to be a cavalier.
You gain a suit of shiny plate armor, you become male, and everyone addresses you as 'sir knight'.
When you reach 9th level, you the player need to sing Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top. All the other players have to pound on the table to beat the time of the music.
Clean shirt, new shoes And I don't know where I am goin' to Silk suit, black tie I don't need a reason why They come runnin' just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man Gold watch, diamond ring I ain't missin' not a single thing And cuff links, stick pin When I step out I'm gonna do you in They come runnin' just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man Top coat, top hat I don't worry 'cause my wallet's fat Black shades, white gloves Lookin' sharp and lookin' for love They come runnin' just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man
Blindness[edit]
At 10th level you become blind. You spend all of 12th level blind. Any spell or feature that fixes this only lasts 14 turns. Then you become blind again.
Hitman[edit]
Starting at 11th level you not only get a bunch of new spells but you get to be a hitman.
Elf[edit]
At 13th level, you become an elf. You can see for miles and miles. Your age advances by 1000 years, and you can remember all the events your entire lifetime, even if it stretches back before the beginning of the campaign world. Your skin turns light green and your ears become pointy.
- Unless You Were An Elf
- If you were already an elf, you become a half-elf, and your age declines to 25 years, and you forget everything before 25 years ago, and your skin turns blue. People call you 'smurf'.
Nobility[edit]
At 14th level, you become a well fed noble. Your weight doubles. You gain 28 more hit points.
- Sat Attack
- You can damage people by sitting on them. You can make a sit attack using the same rules as a grapple attack. Your sit attack does 3d6 points of damage.
When you reach 14th level, you the player have to sing the song Fat by "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Your butt is wide, well mine is too Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you The word is out, better treat me right 'Cause I'm the king of cellulite Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right My zippers bust, my buckles break I'm too much man for you to take The pavement cracks when I fall down I've got more chins than Chinatown Well, I've never used a phone booth And I've never seen my toes When I'm goin' to the movies I take up seven rows Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on you know (Fat, fat, really really fat) Don't you call me pudgy, portly or stout Just now tell me once again who's fat When I walk out to get my mail It measures on the Richter scale Down at the beach I'm a lucky man I'm the only one who gets a tan If I have one more pie a la mode I'm gonna need my own zip code When you're only having seconds I'm a' having twenty-thirds When I go to get my shoes shined I gotta take their word Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it you know (Fat, fat, really really fat) And my shadow weighs a' forty-two pounds Lemme tell you once again who's fat If you see me comin' your way Better give me plenty space If I tell you that I'm hungry Then won't you feed my face Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know (Fat, fat, really really fat.) When I sit around the house I really sit around the house You know I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know it (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know, you know, you know, come on (Fat, fat, really really fat) And you know all by myself I'm a crowd Lemme tell you once again You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, you know, woo (Fat, fat, really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know (Fat, fat, really really fat) And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud Just tell me once again who's fat
Deaf, Mute, and Illiterate[edit]
At 15th level, you are deaf, mute and illiterate. You can not hear , talk, read , or write for all of 11th level. And telepathy does not work to communicate with you.
If you want to communicate it has to be by playing charades, and anyone communicating with you also has to play charades. This means players too guys. You can't just say your character is using charades. You have to actually do it.
Femme Fatale[edit]
Starting at 17th level you not only get a bunch of new spells but you get to be a femme fatale. You become female, and you speak with a Russian accent. You wear a little black dress, and you smoke cigarettes with a long black cigarette holder.
- Blood Drinking
- You can drink blood like a vampire, healing 1 HP per round by sucking the blood of your victims causing 1d6 points of damage.
When you reach 17th level you the player have to sing Bad Blood by Taylor Swift.
'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood You know it used to be mad love So take a look what you've done 'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood Hey Now we got problems And I don't think we can solve them You made a really deep cut And, baby, now we got bad blood Hey Did you have to do this? I was thinking that you could be trusted Did you have to ruin what was shiny? Now it's all rusted Did you have to hit me where I'm weak? Baby, I couldn't breathe And rub it in so deep, salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me Oh, it's so sad to think about the good times, you and I 'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood You know it used to be mad love So take a look what you've done 'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood Hey Now we got problems And I don't think we can solve them You made a really deep cut And, baby, now we got bad blood Hey Did you think we'd be fine? Still got scars on my back from your knife So don't think it's in the past, these kinda wounds they last and they last Now did you think it all through? All these things will catch up to you And time can heal but this won't, so if you're coming my way, just don't Oh, it's so sad to think about the good times, you and I 'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood You know it used to be mad love So take a look what you've done 'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood Hey Now we got problems And I don't think we can solve them You made a really deep cut And, baby, now we got bad blood Hey Band-aids don't fix bullet holes You say sorry just for show If you live like that, you live with ghosts (ghosts) Band-aids don't fix bullet holes (hey) You say sorry just for show (hey) If you live like that, you live with ghosts (hey) Mhmmm If you love like that blood runs cold 'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood You know it used to be mad love (mad love) So take a look what you've done 'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood Hey Now we got problems And I don't think we can solve them (think we can solve them) You made a really deep cut And, baby, now we got bad blood (Hey) 'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood You know it used to be mad love So take a look what you've done (look what you've done) 'Cause, baby, now we got bad blood Hey Now we got problems And I don't think we can solve them You made a really deep cut And, baby, now we got bad blood Hey
Samurai[edit]
At 18th level you become a samurai. Any critical hit on your first attack will sever an opponent's limb, ans long as you are using a kitana.
Superhero[edit]
At 20th level you become a superhero.
- You can fly at 360 ft per round.
- You are immune to all non-magical damage, and resistant to all magical damage.
- Your punch does 12d6.
- You can shoot laser beams from your eyes that do 4d6 damage at up to 1000 feet distance.
- You can teleport at will to any place in the world or to and from your small moon, aircraft carrier, or other original equipment.
- You are immune to all enchantments and psychic attacks.
Subclasses - Pirate, Ninja, Cowboy, or Princess[edit]
Most levels have their own subclass as listed above, but these four are paramount, because they are the most annoying to the DM and the other players.
Pirate[edit]
You become a pirate. You gain a ship and crew of 3d6 members. Even if you are on land, your crew follows you everywhere you go. Your crew members are all fighters and have half your level rounded down, and each gets their own initiative, weapons and subclass. Roll up 3d6 fighters, and use them all in every combat. They all have the pirate background.
When you become a pirate for the first time, you the player have to sing Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd.
If I leave here tomorrow Would you still remember me? For I must be traveling on now 'Cause there's too many places I've got to see. But if I stayed here with you, girl, Things just couldn't be the same. 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now, And this bird you cannot change. And this bird you cannot change. And this bird you cannot change. Lord knows I can't change. Bye, bye, baby, it's been a sweet love, yeah, Though this feeling I can't change. But please don't take it so badly, 'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame. But if I stayed here with you, girl, Things just couldn't be the same. 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now, And this bird you'll never change. And the bird you cannot change. And this bird you cannot change. Lord knows, I can't change. Lord, help me, I can't change. Lord, I can't change. Won't you fly high, free bird, yeah?
Ninja[edit]
You become a ninja. You have to wear black from head to toe, even when bathing. You have advantage on stealth, and can even hide in bright sunlight in an open field. You take half damage when falling, and you can jump over one story buildings. You wear no armor, and your weapons morph into katanas or sis or something. You also gain dual weapon proficiency. Your armor class is 10 plus your proficiency plus your bonuses in dexterity, wisdom, intelligence, and charisma. You can move at speed 40 ft when unarmored. No one sees your face again until you advance in level and have a new subclass.
When you become a ninja for the first time, you the player have to sing Jump Around by House of Paine, and the other players all have to sing the chorus, and the DM has to do the beat box acapela.
Pack it up, pack it in Let me begin I came to win Battle me that's a sin I won't ever slack up Punk you better back up Try and play the role and yo the whole crew will act up Get up, stand up, come on! Come on, throw your hands up If you've got the feeling jump up touch the ceiling Muggs lets the funk flow, someone's talking junk Yo, I'll bust em in the eye And then I'll take the punk's ho Feeling funking Amps in the trunk And I got more rhymes than there's cops at a "Dunkin Donuts" shop Sure enough I got props from the kids on the Hill Plus my mom and my pops I came to get down [2x] So get out your seat and jump around Jump around [3x] Jump up, jump up and get down. Jump [18x] I'll serve your ass like John McEnroe If your girl steps up, I'm smacking the ho Word to your moms I came to drop bombs I got more rhymes than the Bible's got Psalms And just like the Prodigal Son I've returned Anyone stepping to me you'll get burned 'Cause I got lyrics but you ain't got none If you come to battle bring a shotgun But if you do you're a fool, 'cause I duel to the death Trying to step to me you'll take your last breath I got the skill, come get your fill 'Cause when I shoot the gift, I shoot to kill I came to get down [2x] So get out your seat and jump around Jump around [3x] Jump up, jump up and get down. Jump [18x] I'm the cream of the crop, I rise to the top I never eat a pig 'cause a pig is a cop Or better yet a Terminator Like Arnold Schwarzenegger Trying to play me out like as if my name was Sega But I ain't going out like no punk bitch Get used to one style and yo and I might switch It up up and around, then buck buck you down Put out your head and then you wake up in the Dawn of the Dead I'm coming to get ya, I'm coming to get ya Spitting out lyrics homie I'll wet ya I came to get down, I came to get down So get out your seat and jump around! I came to get down [2x] So get out your seat and jump around Jump around [3x] Jump up, jump up and get down. Jump [18x] Jump [32x] Yo, this is dedicated To Joe "The Biter" Nicolo Grab yo Bozack, punk
Cowboy[edit]
As a cowboy, you gain a horse, and a six-gun, even if there are no six-guns in the campaign.
- Six-Gun
- You can make 6 bullets while everyone else is on a short rest. You can only have six bullets at a time. Each bullet does damage equal to the lowest number rolled on two 20 sided dice.
- Horse
- You must bring your horse with you everywhere. Inside, into the king's court, into the dungeon, onto the deck of a ship, etc. Your horse will somehow get killed every game session, but somehow you get a new horse after a long rest.
When you become a cowboy for the first time, you the player have to whistle The Good, the Bad and the Ugly tune by Ennio Morricone. If you can't whistle, you have to sing Rawhide by Frankie Laine, and the DM has to make acapella whip cracking sounds.
Rollin', rollin', rollin' Rollin', rollin', rollin' Rollin', rollin', rollin' Rollin', rollin', rollin' Rawhide! Hah! Hah! Keep rollin', rollin', rollin' Though the streams are swollen Keep them dogies rollin', rawhide Through rain and wind and weather Hell bent for leather Wishin' my gal was by my side All the things I'm missin' Good vittles, love, and kissin' Are waiting at the end of my ride Move 'em out, head 'em up Head 'em up, move 'em on Move 'em out, head 'em up: Rawhide Cut 'em out, ride 'em in Ride 'em in, cut 'em out Cut 'em out, ride 'em in: Rawhide! Hah! Hah!
Princess[edit]
You become a princess. You become female with a royal background. You may choose between elf princess and human princess.
- Human Princess
- If human, your age drops to 16 years old.
- Elf Princess
- If elf, your age advances to 1000 years old, but you still only remember the last 16 years.
Becoming a princess derails whatever plans the DM had for adventures. You gain a favored enemy who tries to capture you about once every 10 days. During every encounter creatures will try to capture rather than kill you. Once you have been captured, the party will need to rescue you. They do not have any other choice. Even if the DM decides otherwise. If the DM objects, point to this homebrew feature, as this feature overrules the DM. Then the party will try to rescue you nearly every play session until you advance in level. Your level can never exceed the level of the highest level of the other members of the party.
When you Become a princess for the first time, you player have to sing Both Sides, Now by Joni Mitchell.
Rows and floes of angel hair And ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere I've looked at clouds that way But now they only block the sun They rain and snow on everyone So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down, and still somehow It's cloud illusions I recall I really don't know clouds at all Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels The dizzy dancing way you feel As every fairy tale comes real I've looked at love that way But now it's just another show You leave 'em laughing when you go And if you care, don't let them know Don't give yourself away I've looked at love from both sides now From give and take, and still somehow It's love's illusions I recall I really don't know love at all Tears and fears and feeling proud To say "I love you" right out loud Dreams and schemes and circus crowds I've looked at life that way But now old friends are acting strange They shake their heads, they say I've changed Well something's lost, but something's gained In living every day I've looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life at all I've looked at life from both sides now From up and down, and still somehow It's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life at all
Bad Spell List[edit]
You know all of the spells on all spell lists starting with a particular letter plus the additional spells below:
- Cantrips
You get no cantrips.
- 1st Level
Compelled Duel plus all first level spells starting with your chosen spell letter.
- 2nd Level
Find Traps plus all 2nd level spells starting with your chosen spell letter.
- 3rd Level
Flame Arrows plus all 3rd level spells starting with your chosen spell letter.
- 4th Level
Elemental Bane plus all 4th level spells starting with your chosen spell letter.
- 5th Level
Legend Lore plus all 5th level spells starting with your chosen spell letter.
- 6th Level
Eyebite plus all 6th level spells starting with your chosen spell letter.
- 7th Level
Mordenkainen’s Sword plus all 7th level spells starting with your chosen spell letter.
- 8th Level
Glibness plus all 8th level spells starting with your chosen spell letter.
- 9th Level
Weird plus all 9th level spells starting with your chosen spell letter.
Multiclassing[edit]
Prerequisites. To qualify for multiclassing into this Bad Class, you must meet these prerequisites: All of your abilities must be odd numbers.
Proficiencies. When you multiclass into this Bad Class, you gain the following proficiencies: An extra Feat.
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