College of Mockery (5e Subclass)
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College of Mockery
Bards of the College of Mockery are most quick-witted and contemptuous Bards to have ever roamed the land. Always getting in the last word and roasting unfortunate souls to the point of literal death if they wish. While some may welcome such ludicrously brutal bards into their establishment there are others that would turn them away at the door and call the guard on them.
|One of the telltale signs that a Bard of the College of Mockery is present.|
- Bonus Proficiencies
What good is it being quick-witted when the other person can't even understand you?
When you join the College of Mockery at 3rd level, you gain proficiency in three languages of your choice and know the cantrip vicious mockery. This doesn't apply to your number of cantrips known. If you already have this cantrip you may pick another cantrip of your choice from the bard spell list.
- Mantle of Mockery
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? What nonsense! Observe...
Also at 3rd level, you gain the ability to charge your words with a deadly wit and malice as you don this mantle of mockery.
As a bonus action, you can expend one use of your Bardic Inspiration to grant yourself an aura of jovial spite. For 1 minute, when you cast the vicious mockery spell, the damage die is equal to your Bardic Inspiration Die and you have advantage on all Intimidation and Performance checks.
- Tasty Scorn
To break a man's spirit with words alone is one thing, but for words to be so cruel, not even the body much less the mind wishes to continue living is another story altogether.
At 6th level, you may add your Charisma modifier to the damage of any spell from the school of enchantment. In addition, if you reduce a creatures hit points to 0 with the spell, vicious mockery all creatures within 10 feet of the creature must succeed on a Constitution saving throw or be stunned until they take damage or the end of their next turn.
- Verbal Onslaught
My dear child it was naught but personal.
At 14th level, when a creature uses your Bardic Inspiration you can cast vicious mockery as a reaction.
- Mockery Table
While you may be playing a bard who is quick-witted and contemptuous you may not be or may draw a blank with so many opportunities to insult your opponents. As such a table has been created for example insults from the following source.
Careful shrugging, for thy head is not attached and may take leave if thou shruggest with too much vigor.
Merely a glimpse of thy abhorrent visage would leave Lovecraft shuddering in horror, and Hades himself pities the woman who was cursed to birth thee.
Thou art more shallow than a puddle of piss and twice as foul.
Thou art too dim to insult, for the art of wordplay merely enterst thy ear and rattles about like a spoon in a pot, lacking any substantive intellectual capacity to stir into a hot rage.
The silly, feeble devil thinks no one sees it. No, my fellow, we see you well enough. You haven't used enough make-up; you need more and other colors.
You blubber and writhe along with all the devils in hell.
The reward of such flattery is what your crass stupidity deserves. Therefore, we shall turn from you, a sevenfold stupid and blasphemous wise person.
How is it, then, that you drivel like people in their second childhood?
Your words are so foolishly and ignorantly composed that I cannot believe you understand them.
You relish and delight in the chance to stir up someone else's dirt like pigs that roll in manure and root around in it with their snouts.
You shameful gluttons and servants of your bellies are better suited to be swineherds and keepers of dogs.
For this you deserve to have God deprive you of his Word and blessing and once again allow preachers of lies to arise who lead you to the devil - and wring sweat and blood out of you besides.