Morbidly Obese Abomination (A.K.A. Bertha) (3.5e Creature)

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Morbidly Obese Abomination (A.K.A Bertha)
Size/Type: Colossal+ Humanoid (Human)
Hit Dice: 30d10+6 (299 hp)
Initiative: +4
Speed: 10 ft
Armor Class: 38 (-8 size, +24 natural armor, +18 deflection, +4 dex), touch 24, flat-footed 34
Base Attack/Grapple: +20/+48
Attack: Slam (6d6+8) or Fat-Punch (4d6+10)
Full Attack: 10 slams (6d6+8) or 15 fat-punches (4d6+10)
Space/Reach: 80 ft/ 80ft/80 ft (200 ft with Fat-Punch)
Special Attacks: Trailer Trash Body-Swing, Earthquake Slam, Trample 20d6, Swallow Whole, Improved Grab, Drag, Constrict 6d12+8, Rupture, Bertha Meteor
Special Qualities: Jiggly Blubber, DR 30/Fire, SR 30, PR 30
Saves: Fort +20, Ref +13, Will +12
Abilities: Str 27, Dex 18, Con 26, Int 14, Wis 15, Cha 17
Skills: Listen +30, Spot +10, Jump +2
Feats: Power Attack, Improved Bull Rush, Awesome Blow, Blowhard, Thunderclap, Ability Focus (Swallow Whole), Stamp, Kiai Shout, Greater Kiai Shout
Environment: Any
Organization: Solitary
Challenge Rating: 25
Treasure: Double Standard
Alignment: Always Neutral
Advancement: -
Level Adjustment: -
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More information...

This woman is fat beyond belief. As far as you can tell, she is all blubber and no skeleton. Said blubber covers her legs entirely, undulating along the ground and propelling her forward. Her hands are hidden somewhere behind the two blobby appendages that possibly served as arms at one point. The only thing that reminds you of a human is her head, fleshy and morphed atop a record of thirty-two chins. All at once, her fat begins to move, and tentacles lash out at you...

The Morbidly Obese Abomination is the scourge of all. Even if only one exists, she is a nearly impenetrable force of nature that leaves entire cities decimated in her wake. Given her migratory habits, the Morbidly Obese Abomination can level an entire kingdom. Because of this, she is feared across the multiverse.

Wizards speculate that the Morbidly Obese Abomination was once a human woman named Bertha, somehow having been mutated horribly during a magical accident. How she managed to survive is unknown, as are her goals now. It seems that this woman is doomed to her morphic hell for all eternity. Or until the unholy diabetes gained from this kills her. Or the heart failure. Or the compressing chest. Or the aneurysm caused by massive amounts of exertion.

The Morbidly Obese Abomination is about 83 feet wide, seven feet tall, and weighs about three metric tons.

Combat

The Morbidly Obese Abomination does not attack unless attacked first, though her reputation often merits an attack anyway. She usually opens up in combat with a Trailer Trash Body-Swing, followed by using her Earthquake Slam and Bertha Meteor abilities to remove multiple opponents. Against escaping opponents, she will use her Fat-Punch to reel them in.

Trailer Trash Body-Swing (Ex): In place of her usual attacks, Bertha may swing her entire girth in a 150 ft radius. Creatures who fail their DC 30 reflex saves take 50d10 points of damage, and must make another DC 30 reflex save or be sent flying 1d4x100 feet in a random direction, taking 20d10 points of damage and falling prone at their square of landing. If an object or creature interferes with the path, both the target and the obstacle take 10d10 points of damage, with the affected creature falling prone in an adjacent square.

Earthquake Slam (Ex): When Bertha sits down, everything within a 300 ft radius is affected as though earthquake had been cast in that area (CL 20). This is NOT a spell-like ability. Bertha is literally so fat that her butt causes tectonic movement.

Bertha Meteor (Ex): In the following round of her Earthquake Slam, Bertha begins to bounce five feet off the surface of the ground, triggering three more Earthquake Slam effects (she cannot extend her Bounce on these). After these three effects are done, Bertha can skyrocket into the air, rising for three rounds at a rate of 120 feet per round. While she rises, Bertha gradually blocks out the sun, starting with normal conditions in the first round, followed by shadowy illumination in the second round, and darkness in the third round. It takes Bertha one standard action to fall back to earth. Anyone caught underneath Bertha's face dies instantly (no save). All creatures within a 500 ft radius of the area take 15d10 points of slashing and piercing damage from flying debris. They also must make a DC 20 reflex save or be blown 6000 feet away by rushing wind.

Jiggly Blubber (Ex): Bertha's copious fat causes her to be immune to falling damage and bludgeoning weapons.

Improved Grab (Ex): To use this ability, Bertha must hit her opponent with her fat-punch or slam. She can then attempt to start a grapple as a free action without provoking an attack of opportunity. If she wins the grapple check, she establishes a hold. If she establishes a hold with her slam, she can attempt to swallow her opponent in the following round. If she establishes a hold with her fat-punch, she can constrict, or drag her opponent in to swallow them.

Drag (Ex): With a successful grapple check (using her Fat-Punch), Bertha drags her opponent ten feet towards her each round (provoking no attacks of opportunity), unless that creature breaks free, which requires a DC 25 escape artist check or a DC 21 strength check. The check DCs are strength-based, and the escape artist DC has a +1 racial bonus. Bertha can draw her opponent within 80 ft and deliver 5 Slams with a +4 attack bonus in the same round.

Constrict (Ex): Bertha deals 6d12+8 points of damage with a successful grapple check (Fat-Punch).

Trample (Ex): Reflex DC half. The save is Dexterity-based.

Swallow Whole (Ex): Bertha can attempt to swallow an opponent into her fat with a successful grapple check. The swallowed creature takes 20d10 points of bludgeoning damage and is treated as though he had been affected by Bertha's Rupture attack. A swallowed creature can cuts its own way out by using a light slashing or piercing weapon to deal 100 points of damage to Bertha's fat (AC 39). Once the creature exits, the morphic nature of Bertha's fat closes the hole; another swallowed opponent must cut its own way out.

Rupture (Ex): Whenever Bertha takes damage (before factoring in Damage Reduction) a steaming wad of fat gushes out of the wound in a 60ft cone. Creatures caught in the spray must make a DC 21 reflex save or be glued to the floor, unable to take any actions. Creatures later stepping into the fat must make a DC 21 reflex save or be entangled. The fat cakes and becomes useless in two minutes. Bertha is immune to the fat sprayed by her rupture.

Bertha Jokes

Despite her infamy, Bertha has become the topic of several popular jokes about her ridiculous weight.

  • Bertha is so fat, every time she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.
  • Bertha is so fat, she jumped in the air and got STUCK.
  • Bertha is so fat, whenever she tries to sit up she ends up rocking herself to sleep.
  • Bertha is so fat, when you walk around her you get lost.
  • Bertha is so fat, when she wears a fur coat, a species becomes extinct.
  • Bertha is so fat, you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
  • Bertha is so fat, she sweats mayonnaise.
  • Bertha is so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
  • Bertha is so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits around the house.
  • Bertha is so fat, her Body Mass Index is measured in acres.
  • Bertha is so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
  • Bertha is so fat, when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party.
  • Bertha is so fat, her shadow weighs 42 pounds.
  • Bertha is so fat, she cant even jump to a conclusion.
  • Bertha is so fat, when you stand on top of her your ears pop.
  • Bertha is so fat, when she wants to shake someone's hand, she has to give directions.
  • Bertha is so fat, she stands in two time zones.

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