Useless Mage (3.5e Prestige Class)
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|“||Hey, hey guys, watch this!||”|
|—Henry the Dead, Elf Useless Mage, The Summoning of Grues|
Some mages can control the very fabric of existence and rewrite the laws of the physics to better suit their needs. Some casters can heal gruesome wounds, restore eyesight, and even raise the dead. But not this useless mage.
Becoming a Useless Mage
The Useless Mage is a total mockery of the magical arts. Generally, becoming one is a total accident, although the physical comedy of the class is attractive to some.
|Special:||Must have been reduced to below 0 hitpoints at least once.|
|Spellcasting:||Must be able to cast arcane spells|
Hit Die: N/A
|1st||+0.5||+0.5||+0.5||+2.5||Fool's Gold, Summon Balloon Animal|
|2nd||+1.5||+0.5||+0.5||+3.5||Water-Squirting Flower, Colored Air|
|3rd||+.1.5||+1.5||+1.5||+3.5||Tin Foil Hat, Rimshot|
|4th||+2.5||+1.5||+1.5||+4.5||20-Sided Die, Static Charge|
|5th||+2.5||+1.5||+1.5||+4.5||Miniature Narwhal Figurine, Summon Grue|
The Useless Mage gains two abilities at each level, one new spell-like ability and one 'useless item'. All useless items have a craft DC of 15 and require ten minutes to make. All spell-like abilities can be used at-will any number of times a day as a standard action unless noted otherwise.
All of the following are class features of the Useless Mage.
Fool's Gold: (Useless Item) A useless mage creates 1 fake gold piece. If any fake gold pieces made this way are spent, a bluff check with DC 17 must be made or it will be recognized as fake. The fake gold pieces will randomly emit a shower of sparks at the D.M.'s discretion, dealing 1d4 electrical damage to the holder and all adjacent characters.
Summon Balloon Animal: (Useless Spell) As a standard action, you can summon 1d6 balloon animals of any size, shape, or color. Popping a balloon animal is a free action. Dealing 1 point of damage will pop a balloon. Popping a balloon in the presence of children will make them cry, giving your party a -1 to all diplomacy checks with anyone who would be concerned until the children stop crying.
Water Squirting Flower: (Useless Item) Clip on flower that squirts a harmless stream of annoying yet drinkable water on command. Command may be verbal or mental. The recipient of the spray must roll Will save DC 15 or the creature will become infuriated, their attitude changing to hostile towards the owner of the squirting flower.
Colored Air: (Useless Spell) Colors all the air within a fifty-foot radius of a target within thirty feet of the caster, blinding all within the area. Color of air is at caster's discretion. You can use this spell-like ability a number of times per day equal to your Useless Mage level.
Tin Foil Hat: (Useless Item) An unsightly tinfoil hat that protects the user from mind-reading devices and spells. Adds .03 to AC and -5 to Charisma. This .03 AC does not override ties in combat.
Rim shot: (Useless Spell) Causes a rim shot noise in the background, to be used in conjunction with jokes or humorous situations.
20-Sided Die: (Useless Item) This item is said to contain the essence of luck, fate, chance, and possibly even the bane of a D.M. This Icosahedron die is also...20 sided.
Static Charge: (Useless Spell) Fills the caster's body with energizing, harmless static electricity. With a touch attack, this charge may be released directly into another person or object. If a person, the charge has no effect except minor annoyance. If a metal object, such as a weapon, it retains the charge until a person touches it, at which point it releases the shock into the person. The spell is good for one shock.
Miniature Narwhal Figurine: (Useless Item) A tiny plastic figurine of a confused whale with a horn. Great for parties.
Summon Grue: (Useless Spell) Can only be used in pitch darkness. A grue is summoned, and deals 5d20 damage to all persons in the area of the pitch dark, including the caster, while remaining totally unseen. After dealing damage, the grue vanishes. Not knowing the grue has vanished may leave characters with severe anxiety issues and paranoia. This spell-like ability can be used once a day.
Playing a Useless Mage
Combat: The Useless Mage serves no role in combat.
Advancement: The Useless Mage is unique in that, after the first level of the class, the character continues to gain levels in Useless Mage regardless of whether he wants to or not. This may result in taking two classes each level, and some characters are unaware of their budding powers of ineptness. One Useless Mage level is gained alongside levels taken in other classes.
Resources: Useless Mages can often be found in the world, masquerading as clowns and other doers of practical jokes and other things that interrupt the natural processes of life. They cannot be relied upon at all.
Useless Mages in the World
|“||Ahahahahahah!!!! I honestly cannot believe you just fell for the old flower trick! BAHAHAH!!||”|
Characters of this class make their living in the courts of the rich, providing 'entertainment' to 'enliven' the boring lives of the noble.
NPC Reactions: NPCs will be unaware of Useless Mages until it is a bit too late, after which point they will treat them as a severe annoyance. The disposition of a NPC against the Mage is worse than that of a Bard
Useless Mage Lore
Characters with ranks in can research to learn more about them. When a character makes a skill check, read or paraphrase the following, including information from lower DCs.
Useless Mages in the Game