Spammer (4e Race)
From D&D Wiki
Huge and annoying beings with an infantile scream, ugly, wrinkled faces, and a voracious obsession with selling stuff.
|Average Height: 6'2"-6'10"|
|Average Weight: 700-1000 lb.|
|Ability Scores: +2 Strength,-15 Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma|
|Size: Medium, but built like an elephant|
|Speed: 5 squares|
|Vision: Normal (so a good place to hide from them is anywhere dark)|
|Languages: Common, Spam-talk* (see the Spam-talk section)|
|Skill Bonuses: +2 Endurance and Athletics (what other races will want in order to get away from spammers)|
|Crybaby: Your voice is as screechy as an infant's cry, and you may scream nonstop for up to 30 minutes at a time|
|Product Placement: A trait common among all spammers is product placement. As a spammer is born, it instinctly gains an urge to sell certain things. These can range from barbarian helmets, elven sweater vests, or even 'the best places to find single drows'. Sometimes, instead of a tangilble product, a spammer might be inclined to sell 'gossip' (celebrity news, latest fashion trends for kitsunes, etc.)|
|Pathetic Salespitch: No matter who a spammer happens to meet, the spammer will try and sell to them. When their offer is declined, the spammer begins screaming, causes havoc by stomping on the ground, and even picks up large objects and smashes them into pieces. Spammers have even been known to pick up people and fling them hundreds of feet into the air.|
All spammers think this power is totally swift, but every other race HATES it, with burning passion. Many a wizard has just gotten into an extremely dangerous and heated battle, then to find to his or her horror that every spell within their spellbook has been replaced with "special offers" on denture cream. Other adventurers, given assignment to map out an ancient ruins (be it infested by hundreds of demons, goblins, or other evil little critters that want to kill them), may find that as they return from their journey, huge portions of their map have been permanently replaced by celebrity gossip (by the way, do you think Grigri Lagazi (Half-orc actress) is really considering divorce to Deva rap-artist Adiah Gamal?)
Play a Spammer if you want...
- to be someone every other race in the d&d universe wished did not exist.
- to be a nuisance who doesn't care whether or not a person would normally buy a product your selling, you just want them to "BUY! BUY NOW!"
- to be an extremely temperamental being.
- To be a member of a race that favors the bomBARDment of commercial sludge and you INVOKE Rage in everyone classes.
Spammers are just a bit taller than the average human, and weigh about ten times the weight of an average human, too. For their massive size, they have unusually small, wrinkly heads, with infantile faces and gigantic lips. When a spammer speaks, it's mouth can extend up to a foot wider than its head, inhaling with raspy breaths and repeating phrases like "100 mg steroids will make you faster, stronger, and altogether a better athlete!" or "Unsightly weight getting you down? Get Eladrin Liposuction and see the pounds just melt away!"
Playing a Spammer
Spammer Characteristics:Loud, annoying, time-wasting,
Male Names:AaronChievskyy, Craappyproduct, Gourm523#, Introducing the new Bahumut Caravan...
Female Names:5er674cat, BeaRapporte, I'mdesperatepleasepurchasestuff, 82ed4
Three sample Spammer adventurers are described below.
AaronChievskyy was a forest dwelling spammer who came across a group of dwarven barbarians. "BUY WEDDING DRESSES AND WOMENS SKIRTS FOR ONLY HALF THE PRICE!" Chievskyy shouted. The dwarves did their best to explain that all of them were male and that none of them were getting married, but Chievskyy could hear none of it. He tore a nearby tree straight from the ground and began swinging at the dwarves. "BUUUUUUUYYYYYYY!!!!!!" he shouted in pure, tyrannical rage, and the dwarves scattered. Chievskyy then stomped on the ground so hard that all of the dwarves lost their footing and fell to the earth. With tears of anger streaming down his eyes, Chievskyy then said "You... will...buy....from...meeeee!!!!!" To make the story short, the dwarven barbarians found themselves the new owners of various articles of womens clothing that day.
Sweat was pouring down his face as Rick (a knight), was riding on horseback towards the castle, in order to warn his kingdom to prepare for a treachorous surprise attack from a rival empire. Suddenly, a spammer named 5er674cat materialized out of thin air onto the horse Rick was riding. The poor creature puffed and wheezed as it fell flat under the 1200 lb. abombination. "What are you doing!?" shouted Rick in righteous anger, but before he could speak further, 5er674cat breathed so deeply that the knight was inhaled into her throat, with only the lower portion of his legs sticking out. Meanwhile, the spammer tried to repeat the words "Try it and buy it!", but was unable because to because her mouth was full. On a partially unrelated note, Rick's kingdom was taken over by an enemy group just hours later.
A message translated from spam-talk for all dandwiki users: "HELLO!Italic text I'm Gourm523#, a spam adenturer who wants you to consider a greatly good offer: all spam products for 75% with mail order now (PLUS S&H!). Such an deal will surely pheasant bad the things off the highway. Buy Ancient red dragon Chow brand pet food for qood offer. Don't sacrifice time to waste with produce who is unworthy. Only the sleashes of super magic swords cut to the enemies be lethal. Party members poorly wounded? Need help? Only stuff we the sell can satisfy the wounds! Buy from the best for pleasant! Now gets stuff a deal, before make expire offers by then!
Spam-talk is a special language spammers use that only they understand. It is usually written out in seemingly random sequences of letters, and just recently has been proven to be just that; random sequences of letters. An example: "hj wy gruuhdfah fr ime ehgyw. i9op ndgm wtj ghsk." How spammers are able to interpret these nonsensical blurbs is still unknown.