Useless Mage (3.5e Prestige Class)

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Useless Mage
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Useless Mage[edit]

Hey, hey guys, watch this!
—Henry the Dead, Elf Useless Mage, The Summoning of Grues
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Becoming a Useless Mage[edit]

The Useless Mage is a total mockery of the magical arts. Generally, becoming one is a total accident, although the physical comedy of the class is attractive to some.

Entry Requirements
Special: Must be able to cast arcane spells, must have taken 50 points of damage, and must have reached -5 HP at one point or another.

Table: The Useless Mage

Hit Die: N/A

Level Base
Attack Bonus
Saving Throws Special
Fort Ref Will
1st +.4 +0 +0 +0 Fake Gold Piece, Mouthful of Crabs
2nd +.5 +0 +0 +0 Water-Squirting Flower, Colored Air
3rd +.6 +0 +0 +0 Tin Foil Hat, Rimshot
4th +.7 +0 +0 +0 20-Sided Die, Static Charge
5th +1 +1 +1 +1 Miniature Narwhal Figurine, Summon Grue

Class Features[edit]

The Useless Mage gains two abilities at each level, one new spell-like ability and one 'useless item'. Useless items come in a variety of forms and (non)uses, and three of them can be summoned per day. Useless items never disappear. All of the following are class features of the Useless Mage.

Fake Gold Piece: (Useless Item) When used, creates one fake gold piece. If this is spent, a bluff check with DC 17 must be made or it will be recognized as fake. Once a day the piece will emit a shower of sparks, Randomly at D.M,'s discretion, dealing 3d4 damage to the holder and all adjacent characters.

Mouthful of Crabs: (Useless Spell) The caster's mouth fills with crabs. Crabs remain in the mouth until removed, which takes a full-round action. The caster takes 2d4 damage instantly, and another 2d4 every minute the crabs remain in the mouth.

Water Squirting Flower: (Useless Item) Clip on flower that squirts a harmless stream of annoying yet drinkable water on command. Command may be verbal or mental. The recipient of the spray must roll will save( dc 15) or the player automatically punches the mage with no attacks of opportunity rolled against him, it's an automatic hit, and its a critical.

Colored Air: (Useless Spell) Colors all the air within a fifty-foot radius of a target within thirty feet of the caster, blinding all within the area. Color of air is at caster's discretion.

Tin Foil Hat: (Useless Item) An unsightly tinfoil hat that protects the user from mind-reading devices and spells. Adds .03 to AC and -5 to Charisma.

Rim shot: (Useless Spell) Causes a rim shot noise in the background, to be used in conjunction with jokes or humorous situations.

20-Sided Die: (Useless Item) This item is said to contain the essence of luck,fate,chance, and possibly the bane of a D.M. This Icosahedron die is also... 20 sided.

Static Charge: (Useless Spell) Fills the caster's body with energizing, harmless static electricity. With a touch attack, this charge may be released directly into another person or object. If a person, the charge has no effect except minor annoyance. If a metal object, such as a weapon, it retains the charge until a person touches it, at which point it releases the shock into the person. The spell is good for one shock.

Miniature Narwhal Figurine: (Useless Item) A tiny plastic figurine of a confused whale with a horn. Great for parties.

Summon Grue: (Useless Spell) Can only be used in pitch darkness. A grue is summoned, and deals 5d20 damage to all persons in the area of the pitch dark, including the caster, while remaining totally unseen. After dealing damage, the grue vanishes. Not knowing the grue has vanished may leave characters with severe anxiety issues and paranoia.

Campaign Information[edit]

Playing a Useless Mage[edit]

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Combat: The Useless Mage serves no role in combat.

Advancement: The Useless Mage is unique in that, after the first level of the class, the character continues to gain levels in Useless Mage regardless of whether he wants to or not. This may result in taking two classes each level, and some characters are unaware of their budding powers of ineptness. One Useless Mage level is gained alongside levels taken in other classes.

Resources: Useless Mages can often be found in the world, masquerading as clowns and other doers of practical jokes and other things that interrupt the natural processes of life. They cannot be relied upon at all.

Useless Mages in the World[edit]

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Ahahahahahah!!!! I honestly cannot believe you just fell for the old flower trick! BAHAHAH!!

Characters of this class make their living in the courts of the rich, providing 'entertainment' to 'enliven' the boring lives of the noble.

NPC Reactions: NPCs will be unaware of Useless Mages until it is a bit too late, after which point they will treat them as a severe annoyance. The disposition of a NPC against the Mage is worse than that of a Bard


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