Snappy Comeback Turtle (3.5e Equipment)
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Snappy Comeback Turtle: This tiny turtle golem is amazingly detailed, as though a mage had cast an Iron Body spell on a turtle. The turtle even moves like a real animal, slowly plodding towards any unguarded metallic item. It would befuddle an observer that, although a great deal of effort went into its crafting, it is made of a low quality iron.
The Snappy Comeback Turtle was originally designed by a student at a highly regarded magic school. The student was, in many respects, a genius, and, like many geniuses, he was completely socially inept. Often, the other students would torment him, using his own modifications on the Bigby's hand line of spells to give him wedgies from across the quad. The turtle was one of his many artifacts he designed to get his revenge.
If left alone, the turtle behaves like any turtle would if it had been turned to iron. It sleeps, it draws into its shell (a reaction the student was unable to work out), and it will eat any metal item left within its grasp, magic or not. It is technically indestructible, requiring a dispel magic to deactivate. It also has two enchantments that the mage developed specifically for this creation.
Snappy Comeback: The student who created this artifact was not well known for his quick wit when it came to slinging insults. He let the turtle do that for him. If the user of the turtle is insulted, or the turtle is ever insulted, the turtle, using an effect similar to the blue dragon's Mimicry ability (Will save to disbelieve, DC 20), will create a counter using the wielder's own voice. The response is usually scathing, however, there is about a 5% chance that the spell will botch, and cause the user even more embarrassment. In game terms this translates to is every time the snappy comeback ability is used, the turtle rolls a 1d20.If the turtle rolls a natural 1, it will completely botch the insult, mumbling something about the offenders female parental unit.
Snapping Turtle: If the mage is ever attacked, in any way, the second enchantment on the turtle will activate. This enchantment causes the turtle to focus on the attacker, and attempt to attach itself, via its very sharp mouth, to the offending person's rear, causing no damage but breaking the concentration required to cast a spell. This can be negated by a concentration check of DC 15. The turtle must make a successful touch attack to afix itself to the opponent. The victim can try to remove the turtle, but for purposes of removal it has a strength of 20. The effect can be canceled by the caster, and by no one else. If a dispel magic is cast on the turtle while attached, it will revert to a metal clamp, now with a strength of 28.
Most turtles have the following statistics: HP: 20
AC: 19; When in shell 24
Speed: 5 ft(1 square) per turn
Immune to any weapon less than +2
Masterwork turtles have been found, showing either exactly how sad our student mage really was, or how much merchants will buy when it has the label 'Magic' on it.
Individual turtles have also been known to possess abilities like tongues, which allow them to translate for their masters, or a low level sentience, simply allowing them to converse outside the realm of insults.
These little guys first appeared on a quest where we broke into a magic school, looking for the son of an archmage who was worried about assassination plots. One of the characters found a bag of the little turtles, and decided to carry them with him, as a souvenir. When we were discovered, that party members first words were "I throw the turtle at him!"
That's also how we discovered the butt biter ability.